When I started, I was feeling pretty A-game. I'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was standing on the edge of the life of my dreams. I knew what I wanted and I was spending lots of time doing what I loved best. The name I chose for the blog was a tongue-in-cheek reference to that saying about the best way to a man's heart being his stomach because I finally knew for sure that I wanted to find a really great guy and get married to him, eventually (and by eventually I mean in the next four years, just sayin'). But really I meant that the best way to attract anything good that I want in my life is to go after what makes my heart happy. For me that includes cooking, obviously, and running (long distances that most people cringe at when I tell them my mileage), working on this dream I have to teach high school English and, of course, the people in my life who I hold so dear. Then there's this other thing that's always pulled at my heart and that is home. My sweet wonderful home state of Maryland. As my relationship was ending last spring one thought kept occurring to me - "once this is over, I can go home." And about five seconds after we ended it for good, the same thought. "Now I can finally go home."
It sounded nuts. I had seven years of building a life where I was, in Asheville, North Carolina. Seven years of connections, almost three years at my job, plans to go to graduate school in North Carolina. It seemed illogical to uproot just then. But, to borrow from my man Delmar O'Donnell (which I really hate to do but it's the truest, most fitting statement in this case) "it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart." I was foolish then in ways that I hope never to be again. So I kept on, and then the little voice said it again when I visited home in the summertime. And I said "no." And in the end, I learned what happens when your heart says go and you stay instead. Life got very painful and, as will happen any time I sacrifice my heart's desire for that which is not true, I began to lose the things I loved the most. Running and food and my love for people got so twisted around that I ended up very sick, physically and, I have come to realize most of all, spiritually. In short, I developed some frightening behaviors and thinking around food and exercise so quickly I couldn't stop it and from that, all manner of self-abandonment and misery followed. I will skip most of the details because I don't want to go all TMI on you good people, but in the end I got beaten into submission and I moved home to Maryland, with only two week's notice to my job and my roommate, to recover.
And that's what I've been doing for the last two months. Recovering and recuperating and watching Law and Order marathons on cable and spending a lot on medical bills because I don't have health insurance. And you know what, today I feel better than I did before all this mess started. All I've wanted for the last six months is my joy back and that is excatly what I have today. When I consider the facts, it happened in a flash but any time I am separated from my truth, it feels like an eternity. It is a wonder and a blessing to feel good again. There is so much to celebrate and that is exactly what I've done this week - all over the places that make Maryland so unspeakably perfect to me. I've gotten in lots of time with one of my dearest homegirls, the one person who never stops believing in me and tells me so until I finally believe in myself (who also writes a killer blog by the way. Run, don't walk, over to The Impulse Itself). Thanks to help from other people, my relationship with food is better now than it was before things got dark. With the help of both western medicine and a dose of self-reflection, my health seems to be back to normal and I ran a stellar 12 miler today. Holy crap, I think my life is finally mine again!
The return of good health includes, it would appear, being able to eat gluten again! Which brings me, finally (were you like, "when in the HELL is she going to talk about a flippin' recipe?!") to the Rosemary Rememberance Cake I made tonight. I'm not sure why it felt necessary to tell the whole story before I talked about the lovely cake I'm about to tell you about, but it did. For one thing the cake is for Secret Bakers, which I should have sent three and half months ago and I was supposed to post pictures from everyone else on my blog but you know what my life kind of exploded so sorry about that. That's not the only reason, though. Like I said before, this blog was always meant to be about food AND life. I know I'm not the only person who gets way out in the weeds and forgets who they are and I know I'm one of a lot of women who've had destructive relationships with food and their bodies. Anyone who just wants a recipe can go to Cooks.com or open a recipe book. It is my hope to share my self and offer more than a list of ingredients and how to mix them together and heat them up.
This recipe was the one that I wanted to make for Secret Bakers from the moment I conceived of the idea, which was "baking in miniature." I just knew the teeny loafs would look adorable with a sprig of rosemary on top. Problem was, I was not eating gluten because of what appeared to be an intolerance and I couldn't send someone something without tasting it and gluten free baking is super expensive and I was not having much luck with it. So , like I said life got hectic and the cake just now got made, finally. It is a recipe from Nigella Lawson's Feast, which is a fabulous collection of recipes for specific occasions, like weddings, holidays, and funerals. This recipe comes from the last category. It is a simple butter cake recipe, very moist on the inside with a perfect crust on the outside. Rosemary is for remembrance, hence the name and significance of the cake, and the sprig of rosemary running down the top of the loaf not only looks cool, it adds a light herbal flavor. Rosemary in sweet applications is delightful, I highly recommend trying it. There isn't a ton of sugar in this cake so the butter flavor comes through without getting stepped on by overboard sweetness. I used Sugar in the Raw and ground it in a little food processor to get it fine like caster sugar. The recipe calls for a stewed apple, which helps with the moisture. This cake is yummy and comforting in the most perfect and simple way. If you wanted to add a little lemon glaze, I bet that would go perfectly but it doesn't need anything extra at all.
When I first thought to make this recipe for Secret Bakers, I didn't realize I'd be leaving Asheville. But now, it is so perfectly symbolic. No one died, but there is much for me to remember. So many special things about the city that was my home for almost eight years - amazing restaurants and favorite running trails and the way the clouds and sun broke around the mountains some mornings. So many people who helped me grow up in those years that I was away from Maryland and helped me become who I am. Ironically, of all the far flung people I could have drawn for Secret Bakers, I ended up with the one that lived in Asheville. So I'm sending my remembrance cake to the place that I had to leave to get back home to myself. I hope my recipient enjoys it.
Nigella's Rosemary Remembrance Cake
INGREDIENTS: 1 eating apple (approx. 180g in weight) |
| 1 small sprig and 1 long sprig rosemary |
| 1 teaspoon caster sugar (usually called Superfine sugar here in the states, or just put some granulated in a food processor) |
| juice and zest of 1/2 lemon |
| 1 teaspoon butter |
| FOR THE CAKE BATTER: |
| 225g butter (about 1 C) |
| 150g (about 3/4 C) caster sugar plus |
| 1 tablespoon |
| 3 eggs |
| 300g plain flour (about 3 C) |
| 2 teaspoons baking powder |
METHOD
| 1. | Peel, core and roughly chop the apple and put into a saucepan with the small sprig of rosemary, the teaspoon of sugar, the lemon zest and juice, and butter. Cover the pan and cook on a low heat for 4–8 minutes until the apple is soft. How long this takes really depends on the variety of apple you’re using. |
| 2. | Leave to cool, and fish out the rosemary sprig when it is cold. |
| 3. | Preheat the oven to 340 degrees. Butter and flour one 9 inch loaf pan or three mini loaf pans. |
| 4. | Mash the cooled apple with a fork. Then add the butter, 3/4 C sugar, eggs, flour and baking powder and process to a smooth batter. |
| 5. | Spoon and scrape into the loaf tin and smooth the top. Sprinkle the surface with the remaining tablespoon of sugar and then lay the long sprig of rosemary along the center of the cake. On baking, the rosemary sheds its oil to leave a scented path down the middle of the cake. |
| 6. | Bake the cake for 50 minutes (more like 40 with the mini loaves) or until a cake tester comes out clean, then leave to cool on a rack. Slip the paper-lined cake out of the tin once it is cool. |
I made some alterations so if you want the real deal go here on Nigella's website. Enjoy!
not sure how i missed this post babe! great one. we're always at our best when telling the truth i think, and it comes out of you so eloquently. nice to read you again, great looking recipe and fabulous the symbolism. love ya. and thanks for the shout!
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