For Eleanor - Lasagna and Red Bull.

How do you even begin to say good bye when you are asked to do it so suddenly? I feel like I've been doing lots of saying good-bye since March but most of that was self-imposed. I had time to prepare. There is no preparing for something like this, and I suppose that's how you know it's life. Life is messy. Life doesn't follow logic. Life is wild and free and that's what makes it the magic mystery that can break our hearts equally from joy or sorrow. And that is exactly how I would describe Eleanor, too - beautiful, messy, wild, free, and full absolutely to the brim with Life. Since I was told late Monday night of her passing, I've been thinking of her - mostly unbidden thoughts, the kind that impose themselves and make it real because right after them you realize that person is now only alive in memories. What I keep remembering is going out the the Women's Farm with her, carrying a message of hope. I remember going to her bachelorette party when she up and got married so quickly. And then, when she came back to us after that marriage, how she threw herself equally into helping others AND being her truest self. And I remember how she held her head high through conflict, principled and maybe a little stubborn but, Lord, she really got that we don't crawl before anyone.

Eleanor never ever passed up a chance to dance, to wear a bright blue tu tu, or generally enjoy the hell out of herself. She really had some things about life mastered that I have struggled with my whole life and have had to face up close recently. Most of all, I mean that Eleanor was not a person who would have to wonder if she had missed out on life when the end came. She went for what she wanted, sometimes stepping on toes along the way but always going back to make it right. Unflinchingly , without that perfectionist worry about what it will look like if things are messy, she went after every experience with all her heart. And yet, she was a never-ending fountain of love and service for others. So dedicated to carrying the word that people really can change, no matter their circumstances. The woman knew how to share her light without giving away too much of it or hiding it under a bushel. There is no higher art than that. What I've been thinking since last night, as always with death, is that life is too fucking short to not live like Eleanor. It's too short to worry about what I look like to other people, to pass up a chance to shake my butt or wear something loud or risk pissing people off by doing exactly what I want. And also too short to hold back love because I'm afraid you won't return it. I hope I remember this feeling every day, forever.

One of my first thoughts after the news was, "What am I going to cook in her honor?" That's just how I do, it's been established. The immediate answer was "lasagna... and Red Bull, of course." One of the ways that Eleanor shared her light with others was by hosting potlucks - every first Sunday and lots of others in between. For whatever reason, I remember that more than one of those featured lasagna made by her. I think she just liked making it. One of those lasagna dinners was a game night at her house and it was one of my favorite nights ever. And Red Bull is just something I associate with Eleanor and her desire to stay up late dancing. I first discovered what can only be described as a Red Bull tall boy in her hand, outside the Red Room in Asheville. She was wearing a classic B-girl outfit - red and white, with those white Adidas that have a thick rubber sole on the front. She was stoked about dancing, as always. And she was drinking the biggest can of Red Bull I had ever seen in my life. (God, I just can't imagine how she can be gone from this world.) So, despite not really liking Red Bull very much, I'm gonna wash down my lasagna with a can of it. As for the lasagna itself, I decided not to hold back on what I wanted to put into it. Yes, I am broke but I wanted a lasagna with a lot to it. I wanted sausage and spinach and mushrooms and quality sauce so, dammit, that's just what I got.

Tonight, friends and loved ones of Eleanor gathered in Asheville for a candle-light vigil in her honor. To share their grief and also stories of this bright star. I wish I could have been there but it's just not in the cards, financially and logsitically. Noodles and melty cheese and filling can't even begin to touch the honor that such a life deserves, but it is comforting and rich. It is grounding and hearty. It reminds me of the joy and pleasure of being a human, alive on earth. And it reminds me of her. Every time I dance, every time I have a chance to live life fully and start to shrink back in fear, every time I have a chance to help a fellow human to climb out of the dark I hope I remember to honor her a moment in my heart. That may come close to doing her justice. Goodbye Eleanor, I hope your spirit is free and dancing it's way back to the source from which it came. You left your mark on so many hearts and lives and now we have to let you go. Travel well, sister. I love you.

Any Way You Want It Lasagna (with a side of Red Bull)



Ingredients
1 lb lasagna noodles
30 oz of tomato sauce
32 oz ricotta cheese
16 oz mozzerella cheese
3 T grated parmesean
whatever else you want to put in it (for this I used one small onion, 8 oz mushrooms sliced, 1 package frozen spinich, garlic, and italian sausage)


Method:
1. Preheat oven to 375. Get out a 9x13 lasagna pan.
2. Cook lasagna according to package instructions.
3. Saute chopped onion in olive oil until translucent. Add sliced mushrooms and then minced garlic when the mushrooms start to soften.
4. Cook sausage, I like spicy Italian for this dish, over medium heat until cook through. It's pretty yummy if you use the fat from the sausage to cook the veggies.
5. Cook the spinach in about 1/3 C of water over medium heat, until thawed.
6. Layer noodles and other ingredients as follows, repeating until ingredients are gone:
- tomato sauce (on the lasagna pan for first layer)
- noodles
- 1/3 ricotta cheese
- veggie mixture topped with sliced sausage
- 1/3 mozz.
- tomato sauce

End with noodles, sauce, Parmesan.

7. Cover with foil and bake until bubbling. Then, bake another 10 or so minutes until browned on top. Remember to let cool a bit before serving.