For Eleanor - Lasagna and Red Bull.

How do you even begin to say good bye when you are asked to do it so suddenly? I feel like I've been doing lots of saying good-bye since March but most of that was self-imposed. I had time to prepare. There is no preparing for something like this, and I suppose that's how you know it's life. Life is messy. Life doesn't follow logic. Life is wild and free and that's what makes it the magic mystery that can break our hearts equally from joy or sorrow. And that is exactly how I would describe Eleanor, too - beautiful, messy, wild, free, and full absolutely to the brim with Life. Since I was told late Monday night of her passing, I've been thinking of her - mostly unbidden thoughts, the kind that impose themselves and make it real because right after them you realize that person is now only alive in memories. What I keep remembering is going out the the Women's Farm with her, carrying a message of hope. I remember going to her bachelorette party when she up and got married so quickly. And then, when she came back to us after that marriage, how she threw herself equally into helping others AND being her truest self. And I remember how she held her head high through conflict, principled and maybe a little stubborn but, Lord, she really got that we don't crawl before anyone.

Eleanor never ever passed up a chance to dance, to wear a bright blue tu tu, or generally enjoy the hell out of herself. She really had some things about life mastered that I have struggled with my whole life and have had to face up close recently. Most of all, I mean that Eleanor was not a person who would have to wonder if she had missed out on life when the end came. She went for what she wanted, sometimes stepping on toes along the way but always going back to make it right. Unflinchingly , without that perfectionist worry about what it will look like if things are messy, she went after every experience with all her heart. And yet, she was a never-ending fountain of love and service for others. So dedicated to carrying the word that people really can change, no matter their circumstances. The woman knew how to share her light without giving away too much of it or hiding it under a bushel. There is no higher art than that. What I've been thinking since last night, as always with death, is that life is too fucking short to not live like Eleanor. It's too short to worry about what I look like to other people, to pass up a chance to shake my butt or wear something loud or risk pissing people off by doing exactly what I want. And also too short to hold back love because I'm afraid you won't return it. I hope I remember this feeling every day, forever.

One of my first thoughts after the news was, "What am I going to cook in her honor?" That's just how I do, it's been established. The immediate answer was "lasagna... and Red Bull, of course." One of the ways that Eleanor shared her light with others was by hosting potlucks - every first Sunday and lots of others in between. For whatever reason, I remember that more than one of those featured lasagna made by her. I think she just liked making it. One of those lasagna dinners was a game night at her house and it was one of my favorite nights ever. And Red Bull is just something I associate with Eleanor and her desire to stay up late dancing. I first discovered what can only be described as a Red Bull tall boy in her hand, outside the Red Room in Asheville. She was wearing a classic B-girl outfit - red and white, with those white Adidas that have a thick rubber sole on the front. She was stoked about dancing, as always. And she was drinking the biggest can of Red Bull I had ever seen in my life. (God, I just can't imagine how she can be gone from this world.) So, despite not really liking Red Bull very much, I'm gonna wash down my lasagna with a can of it. As for the lasagna itself, I decided not to hold back on what I wanted to put into it. Yes, I am broke but I wanted a lasagna with a lot to it. I wanted sausage and spinach and mushrooms and quality sauce so, dammit, that's just what I got.

Tonight, friends and loved ones of Eleanor gathered in Asheville for a candle-light vigil in her honor. To share their grief and also stories of this bright star. I wish I could have been there but it's just not in the cards, financially and logsitically. Noodles and melty cheese and filling can't even begin to touch the honor that such a life deserves, but it is comforting and rich. It is grounding and hearty. It reminds me of the joy and pleasure of being a human, alive on earth. And it reminds me of her. Every time I dance, every time I have a chance to live life fully and start to shrink back in fear, every time I have a chance to help a fellow human to climb out of the dark I hope I remember to honor her a moment in my heart. That may come close to doing her justice. Goodbye Eleanor, I hope your spirit is free and dancing it's way back to the source from which it came. You left your mark on so many hearts and lives and now we have to let you go. Travel well, sister. I love you.

Any Way You Want It Lasagna (with a side of Red Bull)



Ingredients
1 lb lasagna noodles
30 oz of tomato sauce
32 oz ricotta cheese
16 oz mozzerella cheese
3 T grated parmesean
whatever else you want to put in it (for this I used one small onion, 8 oz mushrooms sliced, 1 package frozen spinich, garlic, and italian sausage)


Method:
1. Preheat oven to 375. Get out a 9x13 lasagna pan.
2. Cook lasagna according to package instructions.
3. Saute chopped onion in olive oil until translucent. Add sliced mushrooms and then minced garlic when the mushrooms start to soften.
4. Cook sausage, I like spicy Italian for this dish, over medium heat until cook through. It's pretty yummy if you use the fat from the sausage to cook the veggies.
5. Cook the spinach in about 1/3 C of water over medium heat, until thawed.
6. Layer noodles and other ingredients as follows, repeating until ingredients are gone:
- tomato sauce (on the lasagna pan for first layer)
- noodles
- 1/3 ricotta cheese
- veggie mixture topped with sliced sausage
- 1/3 mozz.
- tomato sauce

End with noodles, sauce, Parmesan.

7. Cover with foil and bake until bubbling. Then, bake another 10 or so minutes until browned on top. Remember to let cool a bit before serving.

Carrot Cake for Mama

My ma, she's an awesome lady. But I haven't always recognized that. In fact, I have at times been a really crappy daughter - a critical, know-it-all, ingrate to be exact. So much of living at home again has been about living amends - to amend meaning to change, so living change is what I mean - in my relationships with my parents. As good a kid as I was, I can see from my much more adult perspective the ways that I have taken my parents for granted, like most kids do, but also under appreciated my parents as people. Actual adult humans with lives and personalities that have nothing to do with me being their child. Revolutionary!

One very cool thing about my mother that I have thanked God for, literally, in the last few months is the way that she taught me to eat. Both of my parents had a huge impact on my food life - dad being a chef who comes from Lithuanian foodies (more on him later) and mom being the ultra-health conscious mom before Whole Foods made it cool. My lunch in school always had whole wheat bread and carrot sticks while everyone else got to have Lunchables and pudding snacks. It was a major bummer back then. Today, I am finally grateful. Truly proud of my mom for buying Powerhouse sandwiches from the Railway Market in Easton, which consisted of sprouts, lettuce, shredded carrot, and tomato on super duper whole grain bread while everyone else's parents were showing them how to subsist on McDonald's.

Note: I am not sorry if that sounds snobby or self-righteous. I'm just not, and here's why. The ways that I relate to food and eating and my body have caused me a great deal of pain in life. In all my struggles with food, particularly this past year, I have come to recognize the importance of the way my mom ingrained healthy eating in me from the very start. My programming, it's a little wacky to be sure. But I think of people like me who also have to deprogram poor nutrition habits before they can even start to get better. It's like I got a Skip Ahead card. And that's what I really appreciate about mom today. All the ways that the bar was raised in my life because she was so brave and did things differently from her mom, made life different for herself and for me. I'm not just talking carrots sticks here, but my joy for eating healthy, fresh food that feeds my body well and gives me an edge in dealing with life is one of the more tangible gifts of being my mother's daughter. On Saturday, my mom had a birthday. Since I'm broke as hell, making food was really the only gift I was able to give.

Memorial Day weekend has always been a big deal - my home town has a big street festival, my mom's and high school best friend's birthdays are then and it's the gateway to summer time, often the point at which Maryland's weather heads for humid and never looks back until sometimes October. So, I made a perfectly summer meal - grilled lamb, corn on the cob, and salad made of fresh lettuce from our garden. And, to celebrate my mom's birthday, a carrot cake with lemon ginger cream cheese frosting. It just felt appropriate when I asked myself what I should make her. She's always made a delicious carrot cake that was my paternal grandfather's recipe and carrots just remind me of my mom, always will. And really, as cakes go carrot cake is fairly healthy. There are almost 2 cups of shredded carrot in it, walnuts with their Omega-6 fatty acids, and oil instead of butter which allows for more unsaturated and less saturated fat. I'm not even going to try to pass cream cheese icing off as healthy, but lord it is sweet and heavenly. My recipe is from the Joy of Cooking but as I was baking, I kept thinking of variations that would be fun to try, so I will list those below also. One way that I deviate from the recipe is that they say to use two round cake pans or a loaf pan, but I am partial to the bunt for carrot cake. Fortunately, this gave me an opportunity to use one of these lovely cake pans that I got from a local charity thrift store - for like $5 total.















Seriously! Aren't they darling? Anyway, recipe with proposed variations is below. Happy Birthday mom!

Carrot Cake with Ginger Lemon Cream Cheese Icing (variation on Joy of Cooking)






















Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour two 9x2 round cake pans, two 8 inch square pans, or a bunt pan (this recipe also makes really great cupcakes).

Whisk together thoroughly in a large bowl:
1.5 C flour
1 C sugar
1.5 t baking soda
1 t baking powder
1 t ground cinnamon
1/2 t ground cloves
1/2 t ground nutmeg
1/2 t ground allspice
1/2 t salt

Whisk together in a small bowl, then using a rubber spatula, stir in the flour mixture just until combined:

2/3 C vegetable oil
3 large eggs

Stir in:
1.5-2 cups shredded carrots
1 C chopped walnuts
(optional: 1 C golden raisins, 1/2 C canned crushed pineapple, lightly drained)

Scrape the batter into whichever pan or pans you've chosen and spread evenly. Bake until a toothpick comes out clean, usually about 25-30 minutes though it will probably be shorter if you do cupcakes. Longer if you do one large pan.

Variation ideas:
I have never tried the JoC suggestion of adding pineapple, but it got me thinking about the possibility of trying that with lime zest and ginger in the cake itself (and possibly making the icing with that as well) for a slightly more summery version. The other thing I've been thinking about is adding other shredded stuff that may compliment the carrots, like parsnip (I actually substituted parsnips for carrots once, it was delightful), coconut, and zucchini. The add-ins can always be changed up. Some I thought of were crystalized ginger, chopped dried fruit, and other types of nuts like pecans or hazelnuts. It's a good recipe to play with so try whatever strikes your fancy. Icing recipe is below.

Lemon Ginger Cream Cheese Frosting

Ingredients:
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1/4 C butter, softened
1 lb (about 3.5 cups) confectioner's sugar, sifted
zest of one lemon
1 t. ground ginger

Cream the butter and cream cheese until smooth.
Add zest and ginger and beat until incorporated evenly.
Slowly add confectioner's sugar. It's best to add it in three additions.

Note: This makes a TON of icing. If you aren't doing layers with icing between them, it will be way to much so only make half.